Push and Draw

I don't want to personify authority, but there is a sense of the authority/power (or my own ego) seeking to protect itself. For example, those very times which should make me learn a lesson about how ineffective asserting control is are exactly the times when I think the solution is to assert further control. There is a certain, perhaps unwitting, dishonesty that goes along with having power that makes it seem like attaining and asserting more power and control are always desirable. The natural question is then how does one break out of this feedback loop and, in my case, do something as counterintuitive and contrary to my desires as cede control? If power corrupts and is (at least partially) responsible for a damaged relationship, how can I identify it and how can I disrupt the same old cycle? 

For us, two related changes occurred, one negative and one positive,  i.e. one that pushed me away from the authoritarian model and one that drew me toward and alternative. The first, the push, I described a few posts ago, name namely that my just stopped taking my calls when I was on the other side of the world. That clarified just how effective my assertions of authority have been. If I wanted to talk to him or have any kind of relationship with him, I would have to cede some power. Our relationship was going to be nothing or something, but the something had to be under completely different circumstances. The choice really became as clear as power vs relationship, one or the other but not both.

The second, the draw, began to emerge after I returned from abroad; we started riding our tandem, the unity bike, together at the perfect time, though we didn't know it at the time. The fundamental question I had was, "If I cede power and the authoritarian parenting model, what is a suitable replacement?" I had read books and sought--perhaps half-heartedly--other models, but none of them resonated with me; I couldn't see how to turn them into a working practice. On the tandem, however, a different way of relating to my son took form, and I began to see what a different approach might look like. 

I often think and speak in metaphors and analogies, so the first ideas were of that nature. How could I use my tandem riding experiences with both my wife and kids as an analogy for our relationships? On a tandem there are well-defined roles and responsibilities, e.g. the captain is responsible for steering and shifting, but it's a cooperative structure rather than a power hierarchy. What does role-based parenting look like as distinct from hierarchical parenting? The bike riding, however, is far richer than a metaphor or analogy because it provides an opportunity to practice and refine our relationship where the stakes are low. I mean, who cares if we ride 10 miles instead of 20 over flat terrain or hills? Moreover, tandeming is the most positive mutual activity we share. Hence we have successfully used tandem riding as both a reasonable proxy for our relationships and as a core activity to promote unity among all of the family. 

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