From Postulates to Working Principles

 Authoritarian parenting hasn't worked for me. Empirically, I can see that it doesn't produce the kind of relationship ideal I want in the family. Moreover, when I think about the assumptions that are behind that model, I see they are cynical and don't really match my view of the world, at least not the view I want to have. I can articulate some postulates to align my parenting with my values, but the question of how to turn those postulates into a working model remains. 

I thought about my friend Jim again. We met when I was a graduate student and pretty quickly hit it off. He is the one who had suggested that I write down my ideals for a relationship, which turned out to be helpful. Jim is a sober alcoholic. He got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. I learned a lot about AA from our conversations, and among the things I found most interesting is the organizational structure of AA. Most people know about the 12 Steps, and some know about the 12 Traditions, or at least many people are aware that there exist 12 Steps and, perhaps, 12 Traditions. There are also 12 Concepts, which are principles for the overall organization of AA. I'm grateful Jim introduced me to the Traditions and Concepts; I have an affinity for that sort of thing, organizational principles. What is most interesting to me about these ideas is they are meant to solve problems related to the organization of AA that are similar to the problems with the organization of our household. 

As I've been reflecting lately on parenting and adopting a role-based or power-sharing model, I keep coming back to conversations with Jim about AA's organizing principles. He pointed me to some of AA's writings on the Traditions and Concepts. Bill W., one of AA's cofounders, wrote extensively about these. Many years after the original AA program was codified in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill wrote a second book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, with 24 essays on the Steps and Traditions. Several years after that, Bill wrote another collection of essays and appended them onto the AA Service Manual. The book is The A.A. Service Manual/Twelve Concepts for World Service. I went back and reread the essays on the Traditions and the essays on the Concepts and adapted them to our family. I arrived at the following working list:

  1. The unity of the Family comes first, but individual satisfaction follows close afterward.
  2. The final responsibility and ultimate authority for the Family will always reside in the collective conscience of the whole Family; all important decisions will be reached by discussion, vote, and, whenever possible, substantial unanimity.
  3. Minority opinion will be heard in all matters and the redress of personal grievance will be carefully considered, and no Family action will be personally punitive.
  4. Every Family member is autonomous except in matters affecting other Family members or the Family as a whole.
  5. Every Family responsibility will be matched by an equal authority, the scope of which will be well-defined; no Family member will ever be placed in a position of unqualified authority over any of the others.
  6. Each Family member will practice a genuine humility, placing principles before personalities.

My goal is to write more about each of these and to relate them to our family's tandeming experiences. Some are self-explanatory and probably don't need much elaboration, but some of the others I have to think about more concretely.


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