The Postulates

I have not found a first principles approach to many things to be effective, that is, when I usually start with a particular view of the world and then push that forward, the outcomes are either not the most desirable or don't match reality. Often this is because my a priori assumptions about the world are not firmly grounded and informed by my actual experience. I just have these ideas whose origins are murky. I have had significantly more success when I have adopted a backwards design approach, i.e. where I start by thinking of some specific outcome(s) I would like to achieve and then develop a model informed by the outcome(s). Further, it has been instructive to look at my current situation as outcomes of a model that I may have unintentionally adopted and examine the beliefs and assumptions that underlie that model.

With that said, I decided with my parenting to incorporate some first principles into my model building. Briefly, I look at what my parenting looks like right now and find that the results are not what I would like or intend. Examining the beliefs that underlie my method of parenting I find them to be at odds with my core values, so I consider carefully what new foundational assumptions match my actual experience and more closely reflect my core beliefs. These new assumptions I call the postulates. I am a mathematician by trade, so this term is a natural one.

The Postulates:
  1. The kids are fundamentally good.
    • They are kind, loving, and generous by nature.
    • They want to cooperate and have a unified family.
  2. Power corrupts.
    • Power and control are hard to yield.
    • Authority resists questioning.
    • Having authority can easily warp one’s perception.
  3. Our family is adaptable and improvement is likely.
Each of these warrants further explanation but it suffices to say here that these are the basic assumptions I have used to build a role-based parenting model. The first postulate is especially important because having authority, specifically unrestrained authority, makes it easy to think the worst of others, to project my own power-sickness onto them. My kids are not my adversaries. They are not jockeying for power. They may naturally desire independence, and they are certainly susceptible to the corrupting influence of power, but fundamentally they are cooperative. I've already written about the second one. The third is essential since it's easy for me to assume that as things are now, they will be henceforth. I forget that parenting is a skill, and like other skills, can be improved with practice. I have to remember that here in particular since, especially at first, my new actions and reactions feel unnatural. The nice thing though is that, as with many new skills, there has been a sharp improvement at the beginning. 

These postulates have been fine, but I still something much more concrete. For example, what do I do if my daughter just refuses to take a bath or brush her teeth? Or what is an appropriate response when my son just decides he doesn't want to do his homework? Surely, I have to have some authority since I also have a responsibility for their well-being. They are still children after all.

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